“Branded”

continued…

I can still hear my grandmother’s words as my mother told her I had aborted my baby… “You’re just a whore!” The words burned like fire as they were seared across my heart. Branded… murderer and whore! The godly woman I called Mammaw thought I was a whore. I adored her and if she thought I was I whore, then I must be one. Later she apologized for verbalizing her first reaction. She hadn’t meant to hurt me. But the wound was there and I couldn’t forget the sound of her words. I thought I was beyond repair. “Reproach hath broken my heart, and I am full of heaviness; and I looked for some to take pity, but there was none; and for comforters, but found none.” (Psalm 69:20)

My life just wasn’t turning out as I had planned. In fact, my life was a big mess. How could I have murdered my baby? I wasn’t a bad person… certainly not a murderer. I came from a good family. I went to church. I wasn’t raised to do such terrible things. I felt I was merely a victim of a very cruel world. It surely wasn’t my fault. What a disappointment I was to my family and most of all to myself

How had all this come about? I was doing what I thought I had to do, trying to protect myself from more hurt. The father wasn’t there for me. I felt I had nobody to help me raise my child. And people would call him a bastard. The thought of him having to suffer this humiliation was too much. Besides, I was still in school and didn’t have a job. All these sounded like pretty rational reasons for having an abortion didn’t they? The truth is: they were only excuses for the real reason. I was too proud to admit I had done wrong and ask for forgiveness.

People I thought would give me good advice gave me wrong counsel. I trusted them to lead me in the right direction but they blindly led me astray. Together, we thought we were making the wise decision. We rationalized things our way. I didn’t know that… “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” (Proverbs 14:12) We were looking at things through the eyes of this world instead of through God’s eyes. I was selfish. I wanted things to go my way. I wanted my life to be as I had planned.

I wanted a magical “fix-it”. I wanted somebody to kiss it and make it all better. I didn’t know where to go for help now. I didn’t KNOW this God who could have led me on the path of righteousness. I didn’t know the Bible said to “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil.” (Proverbs 3:5-7)

But I didn’t want to submit to anyone…not even God. I wanted to be my own boss and do things my way. I wanted to put the blame for all my sins on someone else. I couldn’t make it stick though. The blame always bounced right back in my corner. But I couldn’t let anyone know how much I was hurting on the inside. I pretended I was fine. I had made the right choice and life goes on… right? Not so! The secret sin had left its ugly scar on my heart.

Yes, my heart was broken but I was so stubborn! I thought God couldn’t forgive me for my terrible deed. If only I had known that… “He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3)

God seemed so far from me. I now know it is sin that separates us from God. It is by repenting of our sins and turning from them that we restore our fellowship with Him. After 30 years of rebellion, my healing started the moment I submitted to God and began seeking to really know Him… “and serve him with a perfect heart and with a willing mind; for the Lord searcheth all hearts, and understandeth all the imaginations of the thoughts. If thou seek him, he will be found of thee; but if thou forsake him, he will cast thee off forever.” (I Chronicles 28:9)

I committed myself to do God’s will no matter what. I put my life in His hands to do with as He pleased. I gave up my will for God’s will. I told God that whatever He wanted of me I would do. It was amazing how God started to heal and bless me. I took the verse in Jeremiah 31:3 personally: “The Lord appeared to us… saying: ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.”’ God did love me after all. And God loves you too. He loves us so much that… “He gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16)

Now, dear friend, until next time: “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)

Read Part 4