“Sundown”

continued…

I don’t remember who my date was on this particular evening, but what happened when he picked me up has stayed in my mind all these years. I have always been a “primper” and tried to look as nice as possible with my makeup, clothes and hairdo. I took special care to be as pretty as possible for my dates. That afternoon when my date arrived my mother said something about my skirt being short and wondering where the bottom to it was. My date laughed and agreed with her saying it was a bit too short. I told him that I would put a hex on him for that remark. I didn’t say it as a threat, I merely meant it as a statement because he had hurt my feelings by not thinking I looked pretty after all the pains I had taken to get ready for our date. As we walked out the front door, I started down the steps first and he was behind me but somehow he slipped and fell over the bush beside the steps. I laughed till tears were running down my cheeks but he didn’t think it quite so funny. He most likely thinks I’m a witch till this day. He said he wouldn’t cross me again because I certainly did get even. As the saying goes… “Don’t get mad, get even!”

How many times had I heard the words “let not the sun go down upon yourwrath”, but I didn’t know how to not let the sun go down on MY wrath. Nor did I listen to the rest of the verse… “Neither give place to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27). I was giving the devil a place in my life. He had a big grip and was holding on tight.

Sweet Revenge…. That’s a lie straight from the father of lies! Revenge is notreally sweet. Revenge belongs to the LORD. He tells us—”Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay.’ says the Lord. On the contrary: ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give himsomething to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:17-21).

It certainly can be very hard to treat people with such love when they have done you so much injustice. The abortion doctor surely deserved to be punished for taking the life of an innocent child. He had to know that it was a baby and not a blob. I don’t understand how any doctor can perform abortions after taking vows to save lives.

The father of my baby should have been more responsible. He should have beenthere for me or at least for his child. I wonder now if he has ever suffered any of the heartaches that I have. If he has, I pray that he finds the healing I have found. At the time of my abortion I was so angry with him for his hurtful selfish ways and the fact that he even denied being the father.

I never realized that men too suffer from “Post Abortion Syndrome” until I watched a video in my abortion recovery Bible study. There were testimonies of men who were in great pain. They seemed to be in just as much pain as any woman. I also have the privilege of knowing other post abortive men who serve with the post abortion ministry here. Their hearts are so tender and want to see others healed just as I do.

I think I may have hated my stepfather the most. I was afraid of him and wanted to run away. He was always hard on me and this made it so easy to blame any of my sins on him. It’s hard to accept responsibility for our sins, isn’t it? It’s so much easier to have someone to blame things on. If the sins aren’t our fault, then we don’t have to repent of them, do we? We don’t have to turn from our wicked ways and obey God.

I was angry at the moral society that would look down on me for having a child out of wedlock. Today, I’m upset with the very immoral society that thinks partial birth abortions are okay. My, how my views have changed since Jesus came into my heart to live!

I was even angry with my dear mother and don’t really know why. She has always loved me and done what she thought was in my best interest. I guess I was just rebelling against my closest authority figure.

Most of all… I hated myself! I was imperfect! A failure! A big mess! I wanted to punish myself!

When we take control of any situation, we are playing god again. God does everything perfectly and on time, whereas we want revenge right away and we don’t have all the characteristics of God to bring righteous judgments. He is: merciful, longsuffering, steadfast, good, forgiving, just, loving, compassionate. We may think we have the right to pay back evil done to us but usually sin when we are angry.

There is a Proverb that made such a difference in how I thought about being glad when people I was angry with were punished. Proverb 24:17-18: “Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice, or the LORD will see and disapprove and turn his wrath away from him.” That’s right…just because we gloat about someone’s loss, God will take away that person’s punishment.

Since becoming a Christian I wish none the punishment of hell. My sins are many, yet God saw fit to save me so how can I be in judgment of others? When I realized how merciful my God was to me, it helped me show mercy to others. As God’s children, He “disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed. Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defilemany” (Hebrews 12:10-15). When I realized that my bitterness could damage the spiritual lives of other believers, I knew I had to get the awful hate out of my heart. The bitterness was destroying me and hurting others as well.

My dear friend, “if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin” (I John 1:7). Until next time… I pray you walk in the light of His truth.

Read Part 11